Better As A Memory
by prplfairy
Summary: With everything he's been through in his life Deeks wonders if maybe he deserves to be alone where here he can't hurt those he loves. (This is a rewrite of my first fic with the same title.)
1. Chapter 1

The fighting had started the minute they got in the car and continued well after they had gotten home. Usually he was able to control the urge to call her but for some reason he didn't fight it just grabbed his phone and dialed a number he hadn't called in years. Three rings in and he realizes too late what could go wrong. He sighs and is about to hang up when he hears her voice.

"Deeks is that you?" Hearing her say his name reminded him of a time when he thought he had everything and didn't second guess his life choices.

"Yea it is.. Umm how have you been?" He responds as Karina asks him who he is talking to, Deeks barely turns his head in her direction to tell her that Jameson has a question about the case they just closed. He heads towards his office for privacy and starts to apologize but is cut off by Kensi "Deeks did you just lie to your girlfriend? Have you lost your mind?" "I miss you" he says without thinking. He knows calling her was a mistake but he can't bring himself to end the call yet.

"Deeks don't do this don't go down this road. It didn't work out the first time." He can't help but cut her off "it didn't work out cause we never had the chance. Everytime we tried something happened and we just gave up trying and went our separate ways." He wonders where they would be if he hadn't let what sparks were there die. "Look you've been drinking tonight and you probably called me after you and your girlfriend got into a fight so I think it's wise we end this conversation here before something is said that will be regretted." Regret yea that's something that he has always struggled with "the only thing I regret is cutting ties with NCIS and returning to LAPD. Sometimes I wonder just where would we be.. would we have figured things out?"

He hears her sigh on the end of the line before she speaks "Deeks it's too late to wonder how things would have turned out, I'm happy and honestly Nick and I are expecting. I think things turned out how they were suppose to." He hears her telling him how happy she is and he wonders just what he did wrong in life that things turned out the way they did for him. "If I hadn't left do you think we'd have a child now?" He glances to the door and catches a glimpse of Karina walking away. Swearing quietly he turns his attention back to his phone "You're right we shouldn't be having this conversation and going down that road not tonight or not ever." He hangs up not waiting for a response and just sits there wondering how much he screwed up.

He gets up after a few minutes and heads to their room wondering just what he could say that would make a difference. He enters their room to find her standing there, at first he didn't think she knew he was there until she spoke. "Jameson didn't call you about a case did he." Deeks knew he had to be honest with her even if this was the end of them "No, I called Kensi don't really know why I did but it's done and I can't change that" Nothing he says will justify what he did but he figures explaining where his head has been lately may help her understand just how past events have been weighing on him. "Everything keeps happening and every time I think I'm getting myself together something else happens and I'm starting to think that I don't deserve to have anything good in my life." Karina cut him off before he could say anything else "Don't go there ok, don't ever think anything he said to you was true. After everything you've had thrown your way you chose to be one of the good guys." He just looks at her wondering how after everything he has done she could still think he was good "If I was one of the good guys you wouldn't be standing in our bedroom packing a bag and I wouldn't have called my ex and I definitely wouldn't have drank too much at the bar. I'm clearly not the person I was when we met and honestly I think you would be better off without me in your life." It hurts him to say those words but he feels like it's the truth.


	2. Chapter 2

He was still standing at the door when she turned to look at him. She takes a minute to observe him, he's looking anywhere but at her with his shoulders slumped and it scares her because he looks defeated. She knows this isn't the man she fell in love with.

She starts toward him when he looks up and she catches a glimpse of his eyes before he looks away again. She reaches for his hand when she gets close enough and is surprised when he doesn't pull away. She wonders how she can convince him otherwise "you really think I would be better off without you in my life?" He just looks at her and she knows that her previous assessment of his body language was true he has given up on everything. "Why wouldn't you? You wouldn't have to worry if I'm going to come home from work or not." As he says that all she can think is seriously that's the best he can come up with "We wouldn't be here now if I couldn't handle the thought that one day you wouldn't come home from work. I believe that that day won't come for a while, then again if you keep acting this way it may be sooner than either of us wish." Neither one of them speaks for a couple minutes lost in their own thoughts.

Deeks phone rings breaking the silence, he swears when he sees who is calling him. He answers the phone and speaks to whoever called him briefly before hanging up. Deeks turns to Karina "that was Bates he needs me to come in for something said it was important."

"Are you going to come home after you're done talking to Bates?" Deeks turns to her, he knows that what he said and his actions hurt her "depends on how long this meeting takes. I'll let you know, try to get some sleep and try not to worry about me." He changed his clothes and was about to leave when he turned and walked to where Karina was and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

Deeks arrived at the station and headed up to Bates office. As he got closer to his office he could hear what sounded like arguing but he couldn't tell who Bates was talking to. Deeks knocked and entered Bates office when he was told to enter he noticed Jameson was there when he closed the door and went to take a seat. He turned his attention to Bates "you wanted to see me?" Deeks had a sinking feeling that whatever reason he was there wasn't a good one. "I need you to go undercover, military weapons are disappearing, two have been recovered in the commission of crimes. We have the names of the guys the weapons were bought from, but we need someone to go under to bring the entire organization down. How we bring them down is up to you. This will be a joint operation with NCIS so I want to send you in as a supplier but Jameson thinks it's too risky." Deeks was quiet as he weighed his options "while sending me in as a supplier would be the best and quickest way I think Jameson is right, I'm going to go in as someone who wants to buy the weapons." Upon hearing his decision Jameson relaxed knowing that Deeks was thinking somewhat clearly. Bates wasn't very thrilled about his decision to not go undercover as a supplier but went along with it since he let Deeks decide. "When does the op start?" Deeks asked Bates, "I need you to go under by the end of the day." Deeks looked over at Jameson who just shook his head at him, "Who is going to create my alias?" "That tea sipping svengali made it very clear that NCIS would be the ones to do the background for your alias."

Deeks nodded and got up to leave with Jameson following him "You want me to tell Karina that you were sent undercover and that it will be a few weeks before your done?" While pulling his phone from his pocket Deeks looked at Jameson and said " No I'll tell her, all I need to do for now is let NCIS know what approach I'm taking and they can start the background without me and I'll meet them later."

Deeks called a number he had called just a few hours ago "what do you want now? Don't you think you've caused enough trouble already?" "I'm sorry about earlier I was out of line, and before you ask no Karina doesn't know I'm talking to you now but I will tell her. Are you working the weapons case?" Kensi was quiet for a minute before answering him "umm that's classified how do you know about that case?" "I know about that case cause I'm the detective they decided to send under. Look I know you guys are probably expecting me right now but I need to let Karina know I'm going undercover and that it's a joint op with you guys." Kensi sighed "when can we expect you to come in?" "Give me 2hrs to tell her and get there. Do I meet y'all at the boatshed or the mission?" Deeks could hear Kensi talking to someone in the background before she answered him "the mission." They hung up after that and Deeks headed home.


	3. Chapter 3

Deeks locked the door to the house and headed to the room, Karina was asleep so instead of waking her up he set his alarm for a few hours later and he would deal with the fallout of not heading straight to NCIS. Karina woke to the alarm going off and rolled over and started to wake Deeks up. Karina gently nudged him and said his name when that didn't work she shook him a little and he woke with a start "Whats wrong?" "Your alarm is going off. What time did you get home?" She told him as she started to get up. Deeks rolled over and shut the alarm off and sat up in bed "I don't know about 3 I think." He noticed he had several text messages one was from Jameson and the others were from the NCIS team.

Karina turned to look at Deeks and noticed he was looking at his phone "what did bates want last night?" Deeks looked up at her and she knew whatever it was wasn't good. "I'm being sent undercover and it's a joint operation with NCIS." He lets Karina process what he said "so you'll be working with her?" he hates that this op is going to hurt her more than anything else "to an extent yes, but after what she told me when I talked to her here I hope they don't allow her in the field." Karina's head snapped up to him and she was about to ask him to clarify what he meant when he beat her to it "I called her last night after I got done talking to bates and told her I was the one they were sending undercover and that I wasn't going to report straight there. I told her to tell the others I would be there in 2hrs and I hung up." Karina just nodded not sure how she felt about the whole thing but knew there was nothing she could do. "I'll start you a cup of coffee and make you breakfast while you shower and get ready to leave."

Karina was just finishing up deeks breakfast when he entered the kitchen. He watched her for a minute before he approached her and wrapped his arms around her "I'm sorry that I haven't been fair to you." Karina turned the stove off and grabbed both their plates, she wasn't sure what to say in response to his apology. She handed him his plate and turned to get his coffee when his phone went off. Deeks looked down at his phone and relaxed slightly "deeks" he was quiet for a second before he said anything else "No I got home and fell asleep, I'm eating now and I'll be on my way soon." He hung up and answered Karina's question before she could ask "that was NCIS asking why I wasn't there yet." "NCIS or Kensi?" "The tech guy." He answered after swallowing a bite of food. He finished eating and drank the last of his coffee. He didn't want to leave not now, not under these circumstances. He wrapped his arms around Karina hoping this wasn't the last time they saw each other, "I'll be back don't worry." He knew the moment she finally broke down in his arms "I have a hard time believing you after the conversation last night, you basically gave up on us and on everything last night." Deeks hugged her tighter and said "NCIS won't let anything happen to me ok I trust them more than half the people at LAPD cause they have never left me to figure out how to get out of an op alive." He pulled away from her "I need to get going before they get really mad that I'm not there yet." They said their final goodbye and he walked out the door.

He arrives at the mission and walked in. "Took you long enough, didn't bates tell you we need you to start tonight." Before deeks could respond he heard kensi "give him a break guys, when he called early this morning to let us know that he was going to go home and tell his girlfriend that he had to go undercover he sounded exhausted." Deeks turned to her and gave her a grateful smile. "Yup I didn't actually get any sleep until I went back home to tell Karina I was going undercover. She was asleep and I figured I would get a couple hours before I told her and came here. I should have texted and said I would be longer than I originally said."

Eric whistled to get everyone's attention, if we want to get the background completed for him to go under tonight we need to get to work now. "Deeks you'll be going under as Eric Donovan, your brother was killed in action and you want to get revenge on those you think are responsible. You have a plan in motion but you don't have the weapons to carry out the plan. We were going to send Kensi in as your girlfriend but she said that wasn't a good idea." Deeks let what Eric said about his alias sink in then his head snapped up "no sending her in as Eric Donovan's girlfriend is a bad idea. Does Donovan really need a girlfriend anyway?" Everyone looked at Deeks at that point except Kensi, Hetty spoke up "it will help to sell your cover better. " Deeks shook his head " no sending someone in as a girlfriend with me will only be a distraction in the end." Kensi stayed quiet when everyone asked at the same time "what have they done to you over there? You use to be able to do this kind op with someone else under with you without a problem." Deeks just turned to them "a lot has gone in my life since I cut ties and went back to LAPD. Only the thing that had the biggest impact wasn't work related." He didn't think he had voiced that last part out loud.

Kensi just looked at him "is that why you called me the first time last night?" "It's why I drank a little more than I should have last night. Which led to me calling you." Eric was quiet for a minute before he spoke "is it the reason you stopped surfing with me when you had the weekends off?" They almost didn't hear Deeks when he mumbled "it's the reason my demons have gotten to me a little more than they use to." Sam spoke changing the subject back to the case "we will address sending someone under with you at a later time right now lets just complete the background and get you set up in your apartment." Deeks nodded "are y'all providing that for me to or did you let Bates have a say in something other than which detective he sent in?" Hetty looked at him "what do you think?" Deeks shook his head and smiled.

Deeks started to head out when Kensi spoke up "stop overthinking it, it's not your fault." He was quiet and looked at her "you don't even know.." Sam cut him off "we've all seen the same haunted look that is in your eyes, only the other person started acting reckless before we cornered them and had the same talk." He turned back to Kensi and she nodded "about a year ago I found out Nick and I were expecting, I pulled myself from the field and Nell took my place in the field. I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom and well I'm sure you can figure out the rest." Deeks looked at everyone and they all nodded "it was a few months ago that Karina miscarried and umm I don't know everything started to spiral from there for me. I obviously started to drink more and went to a dark place." Callen spoke up "don't shut people out, doing that only makes it worse." Deeks response was "easier said than done" as he turned to leave and head to what would be his new home for the next undetermined number of days.


End file.
